This concept came up recently during a group discussion with my fellow mentors at Women in Technology event and it got me thinking. How boundaries are the extension and inversion of your values.

Though I realise that many people, regardless of their age and experieince, often havent put the time and effort into understanding their true boundaries. Let alone the time needed to map out their personal values.

Though you’ll likely join me in recognising that sinking feeling. When someone says something that feels off… and you just don’t know how to explain it.

And that’s usually the clue, that someone has pushes a boundary.

Because boundaries aren’t where you set a bunch of arbitrary rules. They’re where your values get crossed.

Want to get started with understanding your values, and consequently labelling your boundaries?

Start here: What actually gives you energy?

Not what you’re good at. Not what your role says you should enjoy.

But the moments in your day where you feel:

• engaged
• energised
• like you could keep going all day

Pay attention to those.

Then take one of those moments and ask yourself why… repeatedly.

Not once. Not twice. Try six times or more. Go deeper than what feels comfortable.

The “6 layers of why” (where it gets interesting)

Let’s say you enjoy training clients…. Why?

• Because you enjoy helping people learn… Why?
• Because you like sharing knowledge… Why?
• Because you see learning opportunities everywhere… Why?
• Because you were taught there are no dumb questions… Why?
• Because you’re naturally curious… Why?
• Because you value living curiously… Why?

That last part? That’s the value.

Not “training.” Not “presenting.” Living curiously.

Values become powerful when you flip them

Once you’ve got a value, look at the opposite.

If you value living curiously, the opposite might be:

• shutting down ideas
• refusing to explain thinking
• “just do it this way” behaviour

That’s where your boundaries start to form. the uneasy feeling you hate.

Not as rules for other people… but as decisions about how you respond in those moments.

Boundaries are about YOUR BEHAVIOUR.

Boundaries aren’t about controlling others

This is where most people get stuck.

You can’t force someone to:

• explain themselves
• be open
• care about quality
• communicate clearly

So boundaries can’t be: “People must always…”

They become: “When this happens, this is how I choose to respond.”

Example: Turning values into boundaries

Value: Living curiously Boundary: I don’t engage in conversations where curiosity is shut down

What that looks like in practice:

• “Can you walk me through your thinking?”
• If met with resistance → “I do my best work when I understand the ‘why’, otherwise I’m not comfortable proceeding yet.”
• If it continues → you disengage, escalate, or document clearly

You’re not forcing them to change. You’re holding your standard.

Living by your values, and knowing what you’re willing to put the time into.

Another example

Value: Attention to detail (and enjoying it)

Opposite: Blunt, rushed, careless work

Boundary: I don’t put my name against work I don’t believe is of quality

Your behaviour:

• You review and refine your own work
• You give clear, specific feedback to others
• You push back when timelines compromise quality
• You choose not to absorb someone else’s lack of care as your responsibility

And one more

Value: Trusting yourself to figure things out

Opposite: Constant second-guessing or needing permission

Boundary: I don’t wait for perfect clarity before moving forward / Or ask for validation at every step

Your behaviour:

• You take a first pass
• You make decisions with available information
• You communicate assumptions instead of waiting silently

This is why this matters (especially in tech)

In this industry, a lot of women I mentor say some version of:

“I knew something wasn’t right… I just couldn’t articulate it.”

That’s not a capability issue. That’s a clarity issue.

When you don’t know your values:

• everything feels vaguely uncomfortable
• you question yourself more
• you adapt to other people’s standards

When you do:

• you can name what’s off
• you can respond intentionally
• you stop over-explaining and start holding your ground

The final piece: scripts

Boundaries get real when you know what to say and do.

Not to control the situation, but to stay aligned with yourself.

Things like:

• “I’m not clear on the reasoning, can we unpack that?”
• “I’m not comfortable signing off on this as-is.”
• “I need a bit more context before I move forward.”
• “I’ll take a pass at this and we can refine together.”

And equally important: knowing when to stop pushing… and choose a different path.

The shift

Boundaries aren’t about being harder, louder, or more assertive.

They’re about being clearer.

Clear on:

• what matters to you
• what doesn’t sit right
• what’s in your control

Because once you have that…

You stop asking: “Why is this bothering me?”

And start saying: “I know exactly why, and here’s how I’m going to handle it.”