We all like to think of ourselves as independent — capable of choosing our mindset, setting our tone, and holding the steering wheel of our own productivity and purpose. But here’s the hard truth, backed by years of research and lived experience: the people around you shape who you are becoming, moment by moment, day by day.

In fact, there’s an old saying attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohn that’s now supported by both neuroscience and behavioral psychology: you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

The Contagion of Attitude and Energy

A 2014 study from the University of Notre Dame found that not only do the people you surround yourself with influence your behaviors, but they also directly impact your mood, health habits, and even your self-discipline.¹ This emotional “contagion” happens below the surface, often without us realising it.

If you sit next to someone at work who complains all day, rolls their eyes in meetings, and sees every challenge as a roadblock — over time, that narrative becomes your norm. And on the flip side, if the person beside you lights up with curiosity, makes time to recognise wins, and seeks solutions instead of drama, that can lift your own mindset and change the emotional tone of your entire day.

The person next to you is, quite literally, shaping the lens through which you see the world. Are they scanning for the good in the day? Or are they stuck in a loop of scarcity and stress?

Warmth and Competence: The Two Keys to Connection

This idea is deeply linked to how humans assess each other. According to research published in the Harvard Business Review, when we meet someone — whether at work or socially — we immediately assess them on two qualities: warmth (can I trust you?) and competence (can I respect you?).²

People who radiate both are seen as charismatic, trustworthy, and influential. These cues are not just about body language or words — they’re in the energy we give off, how present we are, and how we respond to others.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting.

Those same two cues — warmth and competence — are also contagious. While we’re pretty good at decoding those cues on others, it’s rare we start to notice that we start to encode the same micro-habits. We mirror them.

If you’re spending time around people who model calm, thoughtful leadership, who show emotional maturity and demonstrate respect for others’ contributions, you’re more likely to mirror those same behaviours. If you’re constantly interrupted, ignored, or surrounded by defensiveness and one-upmanship, your own confidence and generosity can quietly shrink to match.

The Science of Mannerisms, Mirroring and Belonging

A study from the University of California, Riverside found that our brains are wired to mirror the tone, speech patterns, and even facial expressions of those around us.³ This is a built-in neurological function known as “mirror neurons,” and it’s how we build empathy and a sense of belonging.

So if you find yourself sighing more, gossiping more, or procrastinating more after certain meetings or interactions — that’s not weakness. That’s your brain doing what it’s designed to do: adapt to its environment.

The good news? That same process works in the opposite direction too.

Surround yourself with people who show up — who lean into feedback, who stay curious, who celebrate progress — and your default settings start to shift. You become braver, more open, more solutions-focused. You start finding momentum in the same places you used to find frustration.

Who’s Sitting Next to You?

I want you to take a moment and look — literally or figuratively — at the people you interact with the most.

Who sits next to you at work, or who pops up most in your group chats, meetings or DMs?

How do they talk about other people? Do they bring out your best self, or reinforce your worst habits? Are they making room for thoughtful ideas, or rushing to dominate every conversation?

Your emotional baseline is being set by these people. So is your professional baseline — how you handle feedback, how long you stay in self-doubt, and whether your sense of possibility is expanding or shrinking.

Be the Person Who Elevates the Room

The most empowering part of all this is that once you’re aware of these dynamics, you can choose them. You can seek out people who model what you want more of. You can nudge the table talk toward possibility instead of panic. You can raise the temperature of a conversation with one well-placed phrase of kindness or curiosity.

And eventually, you become that influence for others.

Because optimism, confidence, and high-performance habits are just as contagious as negativity, sarcasm, and procrastination.

When you’re someone who speaks with warmth and shows up with competence, you signal to others: you can trust me, and I know what I’m doing. That’s a rare and magnetic combination. It gives others permission to be brave, to be better, and to bring their best selves forward too.

You might not always get to choose who’s around you — but you do get to decide what kind of influence you want to be. So find the people who lift your eyes and steady your feet — and then be that anchor for someone else.

After all, the more we surround ourselves with people who rise, the more we all rise together.

References

1. Smith, E. E., & Christakis, N. A. (2014). Social networks and cooperation in health, happiness, and behavior change. University of Notre Dame. Study found that including social network data alongside wearable health metrics resulted in a 65 % improvement in predicting happiness, 54 % in positive attitude, 55 % in self-assessed health, and 38 % in stress sciencedaily.com.
2. Cuddy, A. J. C., Fiske, S. T., & Glick, P. (2007). Universal dimensions of social cognition: Warmth, then competence. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 11(2), 77‑83. Demonstrates that warmth and competence account for about 82 % of variance in daily social perceptions kellogg.northwestern.edu, en.wikipedia.org.
3. Cuddy, A. J. C., Kohut, M., & Neffinger, J. (2013). Connect, Then Lead. Harvard Business Review. Leaders who lead with warmth before competence establish trust and influence more effectively hbr.org, hbr.org
4. Iacoboni, M. (2009). Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others. Discusses how mirror neurons cause us to mimic others’ tone, posture, and energy, building empathy and social connection en.wikipedia.org ,