Most people talk about culture like it’s something leaders create and everyone else experiences.
That’s comforting. Because it means if the culture is bad, it’s someone else’s fault.
But the truth is harder and far more uncomfortable:
Culture is built every day by ordinary people making ordinary choices.
Not in strategy decks. Not in values statements. Not in town halls.
In moments.
Moments where something doesn’t sit right. Moments where someone crosses a line. Moments where feedback is given (or avoided). Moments where it would be easier to stay quiet, disengage, or get defensive.
You don’t need a leadership title to shape culture. You just need to be in the room when something meaningful happens and choose how you respond.
1. The Quiet Way Culture Erodes
Toxic culture rarely arrives with a bang.
It creeps in through small moments:
A dismissive comment in a meeting that nobody challenges. A colleague being talked over again and again. A senior leader taking credit for someone else’s work. A “joke” that makes people uncomfortable. A broken process everyone’s learned to work around.
And then… nothing happens.
No confrontation. No correction. No conversation.
Just silence.
Silence feels neutral. It feels safe. It feels polite.
But silence is not neutral. It is permission.
Every time something goes unchallenged, the culture absorbs the message: “This is acceptable here.”
Most people don’t stay silent because they don’t care. They stay silent because they don’t want to rock the boat. They don’t want to be “that person.” They don’t want the awkwardness or the fallout.
So they rationalise:
“It’s not that bad.” “It’s not my place.” “Someone else will say something.” “I don’t want to make things weird.”
And in doing that, they become complicit.
You don’t have to endorse bad behaviour to become part of the problem. You just have to let it keep happening.
This is how culture erodes, not through scandals, but through a thousand tiny acts of inaction.
And this is also where leadership starts. Courage.
Leadership doesn’t look like speeches or authority. It looks like someone calmly saying, “I don’t think that landed the way you intended.”
It looks like someone asking, “Can we hear from [her]? She hasn’t had a chance to speak.”
It looks like someone naming the awkward thing everyone else is tiptoeing around.
These moments are uncomfortable. They create tension. They risk social capital.
That’s why they matter.
Every time someone chooses courage over comfort, the culture shifts, just a little.
And one person speaking up makes it easier for the next person. And the next.
Not because of policy. Because of behaviour.
2. The Difference Between Getting Defensive and Getting Better
Here’s another quiet culture killer: defensiveness.
It shows up when someone gives feedback and the response is:
“That’s not what I meant.” “You’re taking it the wrong way.” “Well, you’re not perfect either.” “That’s just how I am.”
Defensiveness is our biology protecting us. But culturally, it’s toxic.
It teaches people:
- Don’t give feedback here
- Don’t challenge anything
- Don’t raise issues unless you want drama
- Don’t be honest unless it’s flattering
Over time, people stop speaking up. They stop offering ideas. They stop raising problems.
Not because they’ve run out of insight, but because they’ve learned it’s not welcome.
Now imagine the opposite behaviour.
Someone takes a breath and says, “oh, I didnt realise, thank you for telling me”, “Tell me more”, “What did you experience?”, “What could I do differently next time?”
That person hasn’t lost authority. They’ve gained trust.
Curiosity does something defensiveness never can: it creates psychological safety.
The healthiest teams I’ve ever worked with weren’t the ones that never messed up. They were the ones that stayed curious instead of getting brittle.
They treated feedback as data, not as a personal attack. They saw mistakes as a chance to improve, not something to hide.
That one behaviour shift (from ego to curiosity) changes everything about a culture.
3. Why Apathy Is More Dangerous Than Open Toxicity
Apathy sounds like:
“Not my job.” “Why bother? Nothing changes anyway.” “Just keep your head down.” “It’s not worth the effort.”
And culturally, apathy is deadly.
Because it signals that people have stopped caring.
Energy isn’t fake positivity. It’s not motivational speeches or high-five culture.
Energy is care. Ownership. Initiative.
Energy looks like:
- Offering ideas instead of just criticism
- Helping teammates without being asked
- Treating problems like shared responsibilities
- Showing up invested, even when things are messy
Culture doesn’t collapse when people disagree. It collapses when people disengage.
Once people stop caring, the standards drop. The bar lowers. Mediocrity becomes normal.
And again, no title is required here.
Anyone can bring energy into a team. Anyone can model ownership. Anyone can choose to care out loud.
That behaviour spreads too.
The Part Most People Don’t Want to Hear
You are complicit in the culture around you
So am I. So is everyone.
Not just managers. Not just executives. Not just HR.
Every single person shapes culture by:
- What they model
- What they celebrate
- What they tolerate
You don’t get to opt out.
If you stay silent, you’re shaping culture. If you get defensive, you’re shaping culture. If you disengage, you’re shaping culture. If you reward outcomes and ignore behaviour, you’re shaping culture.
And if you speak up, stay curious, bring energy, and hold standards, you’re shaping culture too.
Leadership Isn’t a Title. It’s a Behaviour.
Anyone can be a leader.
Not someday. Not when promoted. Not when it’s safe.
Right now.
Leadership looks like:
- Choosing courage over comfort
- Choosing curiosity over ego
- Choosing energy over apathy
- Modeling the behaviour you wish everyone else would show
- Setting boundaries
- Owning mistakes
- Backing people who speak up
- Having the hard conversation instead of the easy silence
If you wait for “the leaders” to fix culture, you’re missing your own power.
Culture isn’t built top-down. It’s built sideways, daily, in small moments nobody puts in a strategy deck.
The Culture Question That Changes Everything
Instead of asking:
“Why is the culture here so bad?”
Try asking:
“What am I personally modeling, celebrating, and tolerating right now?”
That answer is uncomfortable. It’s also where real change starts.
Final Thought
The opposite of toxic culture isn’t a values poster or a new initiative.
It’s:
- Speaking when it’s uncomfortable
- Staying curious when it would be easier to get defensive
- Bringing energy when it would be easier to disengage
And it starts with ordinary people choosing better behaviours in ordinary moments.
Not someday. Not when it’s safe. Not when someone else goes first.
It starts with you.
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